A Good Fall

If you have ever read my blog or followed me on social media, I have made no secret over the years that depression is a part of my life. It’s real, it happens, it sucks but I eventually overcome.

Currently, I am blessed to only be effected by depression in certain ways. Mainly, I just get sad and can’t shake it for a sporadic amount of time. It could be a day, a couple of days, a week or as long as a season. When it sets in, for the first couple of days I am like what is this? It’s strange. As an occurrence that I am acquainted with, you would think that I could easily detect it but it’s almost like I am in full denial that it is happening again.

When I finally realize that it’s not just a bad day, I have acquired knowledge over the years to attack it and outwardly function in it. Bible reading, sermons, a lot of calls to my Mom and a strong series of workouts all act as antidotes for me. Personally, I don’t take medication. While there is nothing wrong with it, it doesn’t sit well with me. I took it once when I was a teenager. It not only intensified the feelings, it made me feel completely out of control. I flushed those pills down the toilet and vowed to never take them again.

This current match has been nearly 5 months long. While it’s no coincidence that the last 5 months has been an unfair period of time for me, I have to look at the entire picture and pinpoint my part in it.  While medically, there are some things that are out of my control, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your overall happiness. Nobody can dictate it or put it back together for you. If you rely on someone or something to complete it, it will never be whole or real.

With this in tow, I’m taking an inventory of the ways in which I fail to take control of my happiness.

Yes. I said FAIL.

Embrace that bad boy. All of us fail in some way every. single. day. The more you run away from failure, the further away you are from making the change that will transform you into the exact person that God wants and needs you to be. We learn far more from failure than we ever will from success. Sometimes it takes a good fall to learn exactly what makes you stand the tallest.

I contribute to my unhappiness in the following ways;

FOCUS. Instead of focusing on the amazing things that are going on in my life, I tend to fixate on what I have lost. The lost things hurt my soul and I just stand there looking at them while completely ignoring the beautiful people, places and things around me. It not only sucks the happiness out of my life, it’s disrespectful to the beauty that God has placed in my life. Place all of your focus on the light and it will spread throughout your life.

DISTRACTION. When I am down, I power down. Instead of attacking with the word, fellowship, prayer and physical activity, I run to the house of Netflix. Basically, anything that deters me from working through it, I embrace. This isn’t happiness. This is denial. Anything that keeps you from overcoming is a step in the wrong direction.

PROCRASTINATION. I often prolong my sadness by delaying decisions that I know are standing in the way of the path that I am supposed to be on. Are they hard decisions? Yes. Are they essential in living my best life? Absolutely. Stop delaying the life that God promised you because you are afraid to make a decision. Seasons are to be greaduted from, not stayed in. Are you listening Alicia?

LANE SPLITTING. Are you in someone else’s lane? Completely guilty. If you are comparing yourself to others, trying to follow in anyone’s footsteps that aren’t God’s or fighting for someone to see you in the way that God does, you have inevitably taken yourself out of the game. You are no longer walking down your path yet occupying another that you will never see success in. Find respite in your lane, strive and seek God to direct all of your steps. His orchestration brings peace, light and love.

PERSPECTIVE. Alicia, your current situation isn’t the only situation. Stop making your world small by painting yourself in only one picture. God’s landscape is vast. His promises always win. Live in a lavish point of view. God isn’t small and neither are His plans for you.

Selfishly, I wrote this because I really needed to read it today but I hope that you gathered some power from the lessons that are occurring in my life.

Bring it on failure. Bring it on Depression. Little do you know, I will use both of you for my strength.  

GIANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Click the image for the exclusive announcement in US Weekly

I have been sitting on this for MONTHS so I'm going to get right to it...

I am a cast member on season 3 of My Giant Life on TLC!!!

Errrrrrrrrrr. Stop the record. What!?! Alicia. That giant word goes against everything you stand for right?

Yes. It absolutely did.

The word GIANT had held me hostage since the first bully pierced me with it. It used to obliterate my confidence and crush my soul. In fact, when the show first came out I BLASTED it on my website. How dare they use that word in a show about tall women! I was ready to ride out with a sign, start a hunger strike and camp in front of the TLC headquarters in solidarity for my tall sisters. I refused to watch it and didn't until one day when I was approached to be on the show.

I watched season 2 and elected a committee comprised of friends and family to watch it too. After the viewing party, I thought it would be a great way to share my story and an amazing opportunity to be the first African American on the show but just couldn't get over the title.

Then, I started getting emails, texts and comments (from people that had no idea that I was being considered for the show, many I didn't even know) telling me that I should be on it. It was confirmation in so many ways but I STILL couldn't get over the word.

I continued to explore the process, prayed like crazy and sat down with the only person in this world that I know would give it to me straight...my Mama.

You do have a Giant Life she said. BOOM. The light turned on.

I was still letting THEM WIN.

I was letting their definition of a word become a fact in my life that was holding me back from my purpose. I was still believing a lie. I was letting the bullying linger and lock me down.

The truth is that I have GIANT faith, giant goals and an amazing, beautiful, God-given giant life that I am going to share with the world soon.

I shared a lot. From my virginity to issues with self-love, I bore pieces of my soul. I still shudder at my vulnerability at times. It's a gamble for sure but it's something I feel God has placed in my life for a reason. I am a ball of terrified excitement, placing faith over fear and I am so blessed to have you right there with me!

I will keep you updated. The coming weeks will be full of new experiences that I can't wait to share. Buckle up baby...it's time to jump in with both 12's...let's go!

#HiFelicia

I have not blogged in 16 days because I have been truly tired and uninspired. Quite frankly, I have been busy climbing out of a deep hole of perfection that I dug and then dove right in to. It's been an exhausting, yet beautiful process.

I worked incredibly hard to attain the confidence that I have now. I earned every moment of my self-esteem. While it fluctuates from time to time, it has grown in a powerful manner and wins more than it loses. I am proud of me but must continually monitor myself because while I am a great gatekeeper, I am human and life inevitably makes it's way in.

This is normal. This is life. This shouldn't be denied or disguised but from the moment I started my blog, I felt an overwhelming sense of portraying this perfect existence that is completely unrealistic. Not so much in my words, but in my photos. I started scrutinizing every pixel of the pictures. My weave had to have the perfect wave, never revealing the transitioning curls underneath the cap. My makeup had to be on point, with any unsavory blemishes shopped out. Every piece of clothing was painstakingly pressed because that is how it is in real life right? I was chasing a faux goal and it was making me rot from the inside out.

Enter social media.

The Internet's shallow ways sucked me in. I became a sucka for the gram and started comparing my photoshopped images to other photoshopped images. I was fighting fake battles that created real stress. Bit by bit, that confidence that I fought so hard to attain was crumbling and I blindly blogged right through it.

I started praying about it and God really began to show me in little-big ways how silly I had been and presented opportunities to face the fear that I had created.

One, was taking my weave out. Now listen, I am all about changing your hair. Hair really is another way to express your style. If that means adding to it, or taking away from it, please commence. However my weave was not a form off expression, it was a safety blanket. Instead of a compliment, I used it as a form of completion and that had to stop. I was enormously uncomfortable and had literal anxiety attacks but it was something that had to be done. Taking my weave out and rocking my natural curls has stretched me in countless ways and continues to do. While you will see me change my styles up, I can say that I will not depend on one, nor hair in it's entirety, to define me.

I then stopped aggressively photoshopping my photos. I still play with light and clean up the background but for the most part they are raw. The last 5 style posts reflect this ongoing change.

Dating completely transformed. I realized this perfect blog life had spilled over in to my relationships. How can anyone bond with you, when the real you is concealed in unrealistic expectation? While there were many contributing factors, I pinpointed that even my longest relationship wasn't completely authentic. I was so busy trying to be perfect that it was impossible for him to fall in love with me. No more. 

And then there was Felicia.

Listen. My Felicia appearance this Halloween was a statement of complete growth. I had no makeup on, my hair was braided up in to 4 very shrunken braids and I was picking Friday wedgies out of my crack all day. That's as raw as you can get. To be honest, it all started because I didn't want to do my hair but it ended up being far more significant for me.

Felicia was my second Halloween costume. My first was a chic interpretation of Prince. I walked in to the Purple Rain party with my makeup, curls and curves poppin. She did that! You couldn't tell me a thing. I felt completely comfortable and powerful.

While I was crafting the jacket for the Prince costume with a friend, I was simultaneously air drying my braid out for the curly doo that would polish off the look. We snapped the scene for another friend and when she brought the phone over to include me in her story, she said BYE FELICIA! It was funny but I was lightweight mortified. How could you compare me to this disheveled character? My friend suggested that I actually rock the costume at work on Monday and my immediate thought was you must be out your mind.

But then, like all of the other little ways, God conveyed that this fear of being Felicia in public was also silly and that I had to conquer it. So, I swiftly went to Goodwill and found the costume in 10 minutes for under $7. I washed it, cut the collar, braided my hair up and BOOM...Felicia was in the house.

The reactions were hilarious. A broad spectrum of who the heck is she supposed to be to that is the best Halloween costume I have ever seen. Walking around the office naked was a great feat but that social media realm was a whole other story. With this one Felicia post I would exterminate the perfect existence that I had crafted for years.

So with anxiety in my chest, I did my best Felicia impression, captured the photos and posted them. For all intents and purposes, I was frolicking nude in a field of followers.

And guess what. It got WAY more response than the Prince costume. People recognize real and they respect it. That was the realist Alicia they ever known. Applause.

It all comes down to this: The Alicia on the left is the same Alicia on the right. You must rock with both to be truly authentic. Both portraits are beautiful together and beautiful apart. Neither of them are perfect and it's impossible for them to be. Every unique aspect is an imperfectly picked accumulation of the real you that should never be suppressed out of necessity. 

Those are commanding, true words that I am on a mission to live by. I won't be this strong every day, but with every fear I overcome I get closer to living in my purpose and being the person that God created me to be. The person that God built to be loved in her entirety. The woman that won't let perfectionism block her from her blessings.

You will certainly see pretty photos adorned with variations of hair and makeup on this blog but the most beautiful thing is, there will be absolutely nothing perfect about them.

Say hi to Felicia and all of her gorgeous imperfections. She's here for it. She's here for it all.

#BodyGoals?

Image courtesy of VanityFair.com

I, like millions of other people, watched Kanye West's FADE video on the VMA’s and literally died at the sight of Teyana Taylor’s body. I wanted to pack a bag, run to the gym and live there indefinitely. Her body is a work of art. I mean she is cut, has a great butt and breasts that many women pay great money for. That baby bounce back was all the way real! God has truly blessed her with a beautiful body. Get it Teyana girl!

But I had to check my initial reaction. Why did I want to exchange my figure for hers so easily? And furthermore where did I develop this ideal of what a body should look like?

The answers are vast but at the end of the day, I do love my body. Every inch of my 6’6” was crafted just as her body was, in His image and just for me. This body is specifically mine. I love the skin that I am but that visceral response to the video bothered me.

So I sat with myself for a while. Delving in to my self-image and the word COMPARISON kept popping up. I think we all subconsciously do it…but it needs to stop.

NO MATTER WHAT you will never be like any person that you see because you are tailor made. You are one-of-a-kind and cannot be reproduced. Don’t compare yourself to another soul in this world because there will never be another you and nor should there be. Every single facet of your body is yours. It’s something that can never be taken from you. God has blessed us ALL with beautiful bodies.

The only thing that comparison does is rob us of our self-joy. Spend your time loving you and making your body the best that it can be. And guess what…the definition of the best for your body does not have to be what society feeds you. Let me explain…

Recently I lost 30 lbs. through exercise and healthy choices. I’m not even going to lie…it came off pretty easily. I cut everything out; sugar, meat, coffee etc. I went on a  partial fast and never stopped. While the fast helped me in endless spiritual ways (and I would do it again), I continued it for purely cosmetic reasons. I was noticing a flatter stomach and all of the toning that I was doing started to emerge. I was loving it until I lost my chest and backside. Now, there is nothing wrong with that but I liked what I had!

Then, I really missed food. I am a bonafied #HungryTallGirl. When I post that on social, I really mean it. I love a yummy meal, think that the preparation of it is an art and it just enhances my happy. That is the gosh darn truth. When I took away everything, I missed it and in small ways became depressed. I literally was denying myself of something that I genuinely enjoyed for a body that I wasn’t really comfortable in. Instead of working for the best me, I was creating a “me” that I thought I should be. There is a big difference.

Well what if you want to go out and get plastic surgery? Wear makeup? Get a weave?

Go out and get all of that boo! Just make sure that any addition is something that you want and not something that you need. There isn’t one enhancement on this earth that can make you whole internally. Your body and appearance is yours and you can change it however you would like but please use it as expression, not completion.  

So who do you want to be? Find that and work on her like no other. Do not let agenda setting dictate who are. Admire and applaud the Teyana’s of the world but cherish yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t get frustrated.

It’s a continual process.

You need to reacquaint yourself with your best self on a daily basis.

Hang out and bond with her. Treat her with respect, pick her up when she is down, cultivate her to be the best that she can be, don’t compare her to others and above all love her unconditionally.

#SelfBodyGoals...now were talkin!